To my dear brothers and sisters, it is a joy to be able to share with you my story of how God rescued me from a life that I never thought would be my own. As I share the feelings of my heart, I pray that you see the powerful work of God and how faithful he is. That no matter what you’re going through, God is faithful and knows exactly where you’re at and exactly what you’re feeling. You’re not alone and God doesn’t want you to suffer any longer.
It seems only right to begin at the start of my life when sexuality became apparent at the tender age of 13. I grew up in an amazing household. I had the blessing of an amazing father who loved me and affirmed me every day of my life and a mother who loved me more than she loved herself. I had role models of two brothers who continually tried to attain excellence in school, church and relationships. Dysfunction was not something I was familiar with nor was I prepared to tackle the temptations of the world.
My physical maturity has always been something that went before me. I was fully developed in 8th grade and that was an advantage when it came to pursuing my basketball career, but a disadvantage when it came to relationships. As most middle school students my curiosity was growing, however I had no outlet to explore until I went to my first basketball camp. It was at this basketball camp that I was exposed to older women who were actively living homosexual lifestyles. It began with extra attention from a female college counselor, which then led to my obsessive thoughts about her for the next year.
It was at the young age of 15 that my homosexual desires were given the opportunity to be acted upon. I was playing on a travelling club basketball team for the summer and was on a road trip to San Diego for our final tournament. I was ironically placed as a roommate to one of the coaches who was a 20 year old female living as an active lesbian. Although it was a small glimpse of attraction that she gave me, it led me to act on my desires. Much time didn’t pass after that basketball tournament before she and I started our complicated relationship. The first two years were filled with emotional and psychological abuse as we agreed we would keep our relationship a secret. I was alone and isolated as a sophomore in high school with no one to talk to. I found myself over-protective of my phone, private with my feelings and withdrawn. The relationship furthered both emotionally and physically until we were fully committed without a title. The age difference and her position of authority as my coach created unhealthy boundaries. She maintained full control over my decisions and my emotions as she went back and forth about her desire to be with me for over 2 years. My senior year she finally committed to a titled relationship. My perspective of a relationship was that it needed to be primarily sexual, partially emotional and completely secretive. As I indulged in my sinful desires, I also lived a complete lie at home manipulating my parents to think I was wholeheartedly following God and staying pure. They also were under the understanding that my coach was a “mentor” who was investing time to get me a collegiate scholarship.
Unfortunately, this was the foundation I built as I left for college. It’s pretty evident where I was going and it didn’t take long for my life to start spiralling downward. Within weeks I was lying to my coaches, heavily drinking and involved in sexual encounters with numerous men and women. The disappointment from my coaches increased as my athletic performance and dedication was in all the wrong places. I based my happiness on illusions that were quickly unfulfilling and searched for an identity in the gay community. Around the age of 19 I landed myself in a relationship with a lesbian who participated in gang activity and quickly manipulated me into a controlling relationship. It was at this point that I started my lie of a life. The truth that I held onto slowly slipped away and I wasn’t even sure who I was. There were glimpses of what I thought was happiness but the majority of my emotion was confusion and despair. At my lowest of lows, I prayed to God that he would rescue me from this relationship. It was a desperate plea with my white flag of surrender raised high. The Savior came on a night that was heavily occupied with drugs and alcohol. My girlfriend at the time was diagnosed with bells palsy, which paralyzed the whole side of her face. This diagnosis led her to withdraw from our relationship resulting in her unfaithfulness to me. Although this was a short 9 months of my life, in the time span I was faced with a life scare of a potential STD and my basketball scholarship being indefinitely suspended. Only by the grace of God was I truly healed with my blood results proving negative and my coach moved to give me a second chance.
It was at this moment I finally reached my breaking point. A true intervention of God saved me from the life I was living. He gave me the strength and courage to end the relationship although it was terrifying. Through a series of only ‘God able’ scenarios, I was introduced to the San Diego Church of Christ. For the first time I heard the truth and felt the Spirit move. He saved me from a life full of lies, deceit and loneliness and gave me a life of love, peace and truth. Although I have been saved and forgiven of my sin, the battle against SSA doesn’t disappear. It follows me wherever I go, but I have the strength to deny its power in my life.
God always had the perfect plan and he gave me the opportunity to truly understand his grace and forgiveness when he allowed me to marry the man of my dreams on May 10th, 2015. What a beautiful story that could only be performed by God.
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